I've been asked if the pain of divorce is comparable to the death of a spouse. Having experienced both scenarios, I can say yes and no.
Is there a difference in the emotional quality of life or the emotional devastation that occurs? Both are equated with feelings of abandonment, pain and emptiness.
Some widows and widowers will argue there is no comparison. Death is not a choice. It is life interrupted. Death leaves us with no options in the final round as compared to divorce. Divorce is a choice not to love the person you were married to - but in my opinion, "not always." In divorce, there is one leaving and one left behind. Whether divorce or death, both situations involve distressing circumstances, equally divergent set of emotions, running on parallel lines, sometimes intermingling or converging. Neither situation is easy or quick.
From my own experience with divorce, I married young, but after two years the relationship became suffocating. I sought counseling, but nothing seemed to lift me from my despair. I was torn by the traditional values that were ingrained in me; that marriage is a commitment and sacred trust. The union I'd entered so hopefully and willingly two years before was slowly killing me emotionally and mentally. It came down to survival. I chose to save myself, and after six months of painful indecision, I left.
Even though I chose to leave, I suffered at hurting the person I had once loved, and no doubt I left devastation in my wake. It wasn't until some 20 plus years later that I actually made contact with my ex-husband. I felt sympathy laced with sadness to learn he was dying. In our small town I had avoided him in the intervening years, and in the last months of his life, I acknowledged his presence, our past, by sending him a get well card that I truly meant. This minor contact let him know I forgave him for the past, and I forgave myself for closing all thoughts of him from my heart and mind. Did it change the decision I made to end our marriage years before, or open the way for any regrets? No.
A few months before he died I dreamed of him. We were both in water, but he was drowning. I pulled him out, got help and resumed what I was doing. He came back a short time later and thanked me for helping him. When I awoke, I realized that all our relationships leave a residue in our lives, imprinting us with their memories. Whether we end a relationship or someone walks away from us, there is pain, a sense of loss, a questioning of ourselves. Could we have been better, smarter, more loving?
We could avoid pain by not loving anyone, close down life and become angry and bitter. We might as well lock ourselves in a dark room and never emerge to experience life's joy.
Life is filled with incredible loss and devastation after the death of a spouse, but there is an equally big hole when a divorce takes place, on both sides, whether we consciously choose to acknowledge it or not.
Is the pain of divorce and the loss of a spouse on equal footing? They each carry incredible pain and repercussions, abandonment issues that blast a hole in the heart. Why do we even need to compare? Both scenarios involve a death of someone we loved, a loss that is irrevocably seared on our hearts.
Elaine Williams ©2008
Elaine Williams is a writer across various genres. She is a mother and a widow of four years. She can be contacted at onwingspress@yahoo.com
http://www.ajourneywelltaken.com
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Crafting a New Life AS a Widow by Elaine Williams
When you become a widow your life changes and there is no guarantee of sanity in the transition. Some days are topsy-turvy; other days have a numbing calm. You wonder if life will ever be joyful again. You're not crazy, you're grieving.
Joy has a way of creeping up on you when you least expect it, yes, even in the midst of loss. I discovered it's a waste of energy to feel guilt over a moment of joy while in the pain of loss. I used to tell myself I had to stop being so serious and cut myself some slack. I refused to be a victim in life and I vowed not to become bitter over my husband's loss.
Sure, it was unfair that my kids lost their dad at 11, 18, and 19, but inside each of us are life tools, and we do the best with what we have learned in life.
So how do you craft your new life as a widow? Time and patience are the best advice I could give. I had never expected my husband would die, even though he was diagnosed with end stage esophagus cancer. I was so determined he would get well, he would beat it, that losing him never was an option until the last three weeks. So I wasn't prepared for his death, but who ever is? Stuff like this didn't happen to me. I'd always considered myself an upbeat, lucky person. I still consider myself in that category, which is why I know from my own experience you can create a new life and be happy and feel joy once more.
I recall many days up until about two and a half years into my loss where I felt weighted down by uncertainty and indecision. I wanted nothing more than to just hide away in some safe, dark place where no one else could find me. Many days I felt a complete lack of enthusiasm for life. I worked because that occupied my mind, and in deepest grief, I often wondered if I'd ever experience true joy again. I felt off kilter, as if an essential life force had been pulled from me. I had a big hole.
For months I hung in a kind of limbo. I asked myself what was it that I wanted to do with my life? Was this empty feeling all there was? I knew I had to contribute something more - that there was a purpose for me. I wanted full knowledge of what my the next step was in my life.
As a writer I attempted to pick up my writing, but there was no passion there. I have always been a writer and to think that that well had dried up, felt devastating.
Slowly, I began to find a new me, one that I had never fully tapped into. I wondered had experiencing loss uncovered the stronger, more independent me? I have learned to live fully on my own, taking care of my children but also taking care of myself.
When I made myself step outside my comfort zone, I often found a new world waiting for me. I discovered that living a full life is all within my own control.
Elaine Williams is a writer across various genres. She is a mother and a widow of four years. She can be contacted at onwingspress@yahoo.com
http://www.ajourneywelltaken.com
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Life After Death - How To Cope With The Death Of A Spouse by Dave Pipitone
Believing in life after death offers a powerful and effective way to deal with the loss of your spouse. The death of a spouse is the hardest thing you will ever deal with in life.
During and after the funeral, there seems to be an endless stream of tears, sleepless nights and sickness in the pit of your stomach. You wonder how you will ever go on without being able to touch, laugh with or talk to that person again.
While a period of mourning is normal, you may find that you have lost your appetite for weeks, you find yourself listless and unable to get out of bed, you are slowly withdrawing from friends and family, and the weight on your heart does not seem to go away.
These signs may signal serious depression. Before this sadness changes your personality in unimaginable ways, seek out support and help. After all, you should not die, prematurely, with your loved one. You are still here for a reason.
Your friends and family can create a tremendous support net for you following the death and funeral of a spouse. Some people instinctively withdraw from others in their time of loss. This can be hard for the comforters to understand, especially if you grieving the loss of a spouse.
Be aware that people will genuinely want to comfort you, they want you to come to them for an embrace or to talk about your feelings. The hardest part is feeling shut out and helpless. While it may not be the first thing on your mind or a natural tendency, when you are ready, accept the help of those around.
Open up to them by trying to recall fond memories of the person who has died. Sometimes there need not be any conversation at all, as the power of a hug is incredible at bolstering emotional strength. Even if you are not a person who likes hugs, receiving the embrace of another person is a gift of love.
In some cases, after the funeral or memorial service is over, family and friends are not enough. This is especially true when your spouse dies. A major loss can affect you psychologically over time if not dealt with properly. Feelings of guilt may arise and the death of a spouse can feel like a part of you has died as well. Mourning can quickly turn to guilt complexes, depression or other mental illnesses.
After a wake, funeral and burial service, seek out a support system. Find others who are grieving as much as you - or even more than you - and bond together. Churches offer a connection to support groups of widows and widowers like Joyful Again.
Make arrangements to meet for lunch. Take trips to the grave site together or flip through old photo albums. Carry a card that reminds you that your spouse is still alive with God. The death of a beloved wife or husband can be traumatizing, more so than you initially realize, so it's important to deal with your feelings in a healthy manner.
Believe in life after death. Make time to pray and ask for peace for your deceased spouse and ask for his or her prayers for you. It's comforting to know you are not alone in your grief.
To remember how your deceased spouse is connected to God and you, use an inspirational memorial poem. Visit My 3 Strands.com.
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